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Joke of the Day

"Go sport ball! Game time! Yelling and outfits! Beer! You guys are bad! We are good! Sports yelling! Bright colors! #sports"

"One of my terrorist friends decided to bomb our only good coffee machine in all of Yemen... Pissed as hell, he said he hates french press"

"- Are you sure? -defenet... difini... difine... YES IM SURE!"

"Excuse me, here's your nose. I found it in my business."

"What's green and smells like bacon? Kermit's fingers!"

"Today my girlfriend offered to finger me I was deeply touched."

"*talking into the phone, loudly enough that I know those ladies can hear me* WHATS THAT? MY SPACESHIP IS READY? GREAT, THANKS BARACK. OBAMA."

"/r/news hears about Turkey [removed]"

"I'm having trouble discerning my Twitter voice from my professional one. I just said ""What's up, slut?"" to our receptionist. Frigid bitch."

"Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish and you feed him for the rest of his life."