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Joke of the Day

"(telling a ghost story) You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That's adulthood coming for you! *all the adults start screaming*"

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"And Lord said unto John... ""Come forth and receive eternal life"" But John came 5th... He got a toaster"
"5 Brazilian dollars sounds like a lot of money... However, with the current exchange rate its only about $1.35 USD"
"What do you call a crowd-sourced internet database for turntables? Wiki-Wiki-Wikipedia"
"My family crest is just a photo of someone letting it go to voicemail."
"He died doing what he loved; shouting 'boo!' behind horses."
"I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president."
"""This ice bucket challenge is really contributing to California's drought"" I said as i skipped into Raging Waters"
"What is the difference between Saint Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day? On Saint Patrick's Day everybody wants to be Irish."
"Girlfriend kept nagging at me to put the toilet seat down. So here I am, crying in the middle of a field, with the seat & a shotgun."