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Joke of the Day

"humans bury seeds in the earth, while birds cut out the middle man and eat them straight. really makes you think if you're stupid like i am"

"A procrastinator walks into a bar I'll post the rest later.."

"I'm putting off having kids mainly because I'm not ready to be 9 months sober."

"What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist"

"A 3 legged dog walks into a bar... Bartender says ""what can I get you?"" dog replies ""nothing.... I'm just looking for the man who shot my paw"""

"Oh, a BEAR hug. *starts putting clothes back on*"

"How did Vladimir Lenin originally get into power? ""This isn't just a campaign, this is a political *revolution!*"""

"I want to die drunk and peacefully like my grandfather Not like his 6 other screaming passengers"

"We're pregnant? Why stop there couples? Why not we're constipated? Or we're on our period? Or we're disgustingly phony in public together?"

"Why is it called ""the circle of life""? Because it's pointless."