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Joke of the Day

"I'm putting off having kids mainly because I'm not ready to be 9 months sober."

"I've spent the past few months looking for my ex-boyfriends' killer but no one will do it."

"I feel like Trump is like Hitler Terribly misunderstood."

"Of course I can tweet, talk on the phone, eat a hamburger, and apply my lipstick. I'm only driving, you know."

"Me: Speak. C'mon, boy, speak. Dog: No, I'm mad at you."

"My girlfriend always wakes up with a huge smile on her face. Goddamnit, I love my Sharpie!"

"My new girlfriend just found out that I'm 42. She said, ""You told me that you were 28 and a half!"" I said, ""I am if you think about it."""

"Stop saying: ""That's what she said"" and say ""... said the priest to his lawyer"" instead"

"""I missed you so much!"" I shout as I run past my wife's open arms and jump into my bed."

"When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances."