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Joke of the Day

"I'm putting off having kids mainly because I'm not ready to be 9 months sober."

"I stayed up all night... Trying to remember if I had amnesia or insomnia"

"A husband says to his wife... ""What would you do if I won the lottery?"". She replied ""I'd take half, then leave you."" ""Excellent!"", he retorted, ""I won 12, here's 6, now fuck off""."

"Why was hitler bad with directions? Because three reichs don't make a left."

"*Rains pennies from heaven* *coins decimate the land [terrified scream] 'CHANGE IS IN THE AIR!'"

"I remember the last thing my granpa said to me before he kicked the bucket. he said, ""hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"""

"I hate when movies say ""May contain nudity."" Well does it doesn't it? I don't want to waste my time."

"Two tomatoes are sitting in a refrigerator One turns to the other and says: ""It's really cold in here"". and the other one says: [""JESUS CHRIST A TALKING TOMATO!!""](/spoiler)"

"Yo mama's so fat... That she was dropped on Hiroshima."

"My grandfather could never throw anything away... That's why he died in the war holding a hand grenade"