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Joke of the Day
"How do you stop a mexican tank? You shoot the guy pushing it."
Next Joke
"Imitation is... While imitation may be the highest form of flattery, I prefer the verbal kind. I also accept cash."
"[job int] ""& what are your areas of weakness?"" [leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers] ""I don't like people touching my nose."""
"If you enjoyed the film Mean Girls... You'd love Standard Deviation Girls!"
"You guys, The Hobbit is a straight-up ripoff of my unreleased 3-hour experimental film ""Helicopter Shots of People Walking."""
"Q: Why did the blonde guy ask his girlfriend to squeeze his left testicle? A: Because the road sign said 'Squeeze Left.'"
"What did the duck say after it split the atom ? Quark ! Quark !"
"Knock knock... (**WARNING OFFENSIVE**) Who's there? 9/11. 9/11 who? YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER FORGET YOU SON A OF A BITCH!"
"""IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???"" [i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]"
"Ever since childhood I've identified as a hippo. While other kids were playing, I savagely mauled villagers. #TransSpecies"