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Joke of the Day

"I can fake my way through most conversations with my kids if I just look up from my phone every time they stop talking and say ""no."""

"What do you call a tree that you can fit in your hand? A PALM TREE!!!"

"[Politics] Why can't Ben Carson help fix America's problems? He's a neurosurgeon, not a proctologist."

"There are two types of people in the world. Those that pee in the shower.... And dirty, dirty liars."

"I consider myself a practical gentleman. That's why I masturbate in the shower. The cleanup is a breeze. The only trouble is keeping my laptop dry. That's why I bring the umbrella."

"How does Moses make tea He brews it.."

"Girl are you a fox? Because I don't know wtf you're saying."

"Just been to my first Muslim birthday party. The 'musical chairs' was a bit slow, but 'pass the parcel' was damn quick!"

"I'm certain my job is interfering with my drinking"

"I don't go back to my hometown very often because I've burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson."