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Joke of the Day

"Cat: Lame. Just lame. Me: Shut up. Not everyone goes out Friday nights u know. Cat: Leave extra food out. Im bringing a girl home. Me: ...ok"

"What is white, and 14 inches long. Absolutely nothing."

"Time Travel! I found a way to time travel but it only works at a rate of one second per second."

"Once i thought i was wrong. But I was mistaken"

"3 great things about getting old and losing your memory 1. You're always making new friends. 2. Every joke you hear is new. 3. I uh, I forget the third one."

"""What'd you do this weekend?"" I was shooting craps. ""Oh you went to a casino?"" *flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah."

"Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No Bell Prize."

"If I win the Powerball, I'm going to make golf illegal."

"I know my mum has a dildo because I hear her drawer slam shut every night before she switches off her light in the next room... ...I wish this was a joke."

"u chill bro? u enlightened bro? u got the secret bro? u feel the oneness bro? u transcendental bro? u alive bro?"