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Joke of the Day

"""What'd you do this weekend?"" I was shooting craps. ""Oh you went to a casino?"" *flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah."

"What do you get when you mix yoga and scouting? Concentration camps."

"Remember how they drove in 90's TV sitcoms...the horribly fake steering wheel turning - left right left right? That's how I actually drive."

"""Going bald? Shave your head and grow a goatee! People will think you're tough, not bald!"" - stupid assholes"

"My car is so shitty, one time I fixed it with a coat hanger. Goes to show that those things can BRING life too."

"What did Helen Keller say when she picked up a cheese grater? That was the most violent book I've ever read.........."

"Whats so great about twenty-five year olds? There's 20 of them! (I can't believe this isn't a repost.)"

"Thanks for wiping down my table... a damp surface that smells like a dirty sweat sock is so much better than a few crumbs."

"When do clocks die?When their time is up."

"[raises hand in English class] Why do we need to be learned English? ""Hmm.. Couldn't have worded that better myself, Luke"""