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Joke of the Day

"[if my cat tweeted] When ""over 38"" is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone."

"I saw a spider in my bedroom so I did what any man would do... I got in an argument with my wife so I could sleep on the couch."

"I bought my shoes from a drug dealer... I dont know what he laced them with,but Ive been tripping all day."

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandpa. Not yelling and screaming, like the people in his car"

"I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I'm not allowed to make my own decisions anymore."

"If I got 50p for every time I failed a maths test I'd have about 6.30 by now"

"What drinking game is Hillary Clinton best at? Flip Cup (coin)"

"What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing, they were both stuck up bitches."

"What's the best part about twenty eight year olds?..... ......There's twenty of them."

"I just found out I'm an amateur nudist. I thought I was pretty good at it but apparently if you don't have the right certifications they'll call the mall security."