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Joke of the Day

"What do you call a snail on a ship? A snailor (My nephew is watching Spongebob please send help my brain cells are leaving one by one)"

"Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer. I call this the Heineken maneuver."

"My bowel is upset. Must be full of shit."

"I grew up for this?"

"If God wanted me to mow my own lawn, He wouldn't have given me the ability to earn a postgraduate degree."

"Parents: Stop making videos of your kid coming home from the dentist all fucked up."

"People ask if I saw any 'Red Flags'... Well, I was an anarcho-capitalist and she was a Hoxhaist..."

"i'm gonna build my house on your house and if you even come close to my house that's attached to your house, we'll attack you.. - bees"

"How do you get a Jewish girls number? Check her wrists."

"Considering I'm broke, I wonder if she'll let me be her sugar-free daddy."