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Joke of the Day

"You remind me of a beautiful star in the night sky... You each have your own gravitational pull."

"I hate it when you're on the bus and the local weirdo get on and sits next to you. You know, the ones that watch you having a wank."

"Fred: let's settle this once and for all! *fred rips my face away revealing bloody skull* Velma: he wasn't wearing a mask! Fred: I know."

"Obama: joe can you please explain all the cheetos that are in the kitchen Biden: I didn't want Trump to feel- Obama: Joe, Biden: ...lonely"

"Kanye's motivation to run for president . . . Mayweather's facebook page and twitter account! You can have them even if you don't know what is in them."

"[After 20 min at your house] I used all your toilet paper ""Check in the cabine-"" All of it ""We have more in the gar-"" All of it all of it"

"I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics... But graphing is where I draw the line!"

"My friend used the term ""bad ass"" for diarrhea. ""You're badass."" ""I'm... diarrhea?"" ""No I meant you are the shit, man."" ""WHAT???"""

"What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear. The other's a *great* year."

"Wife: Ugh, I wish my boobs were bigger. Husband: Try rubbing toilet paper between them. Wife: How would that help? Husband: Well, it seems to be working just fine on your ass."