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Joke of the Day

"If I get nervous for a date, I just imagine the guy in his underpants, sitting on my couch for the next 40 years, & suddenly I'm annoyed"

"Do I have any jokes about Sodium? Na"

"My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I'm afraid to go to sleep now."

"My daughter just asked me about UpBro! Lol Can you believe it?"

"What do you call a scary prostitute? Horrifying."

"Why are sharts always a surprise? Because you can never see that shit coming."

"[taking communion at church] I'm a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?"

"What do you call a blonde in a BMW? Optional."

"The hardest part of being a congressman must be pretending to actually like the people where you're from."

"Did you know that 95% of Jews aren't Jews? They're dead"