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Joke of the Day

"John Boehner is lucky Pope Francis didn't splash any holy water on him. He wouldn't have been crying. He would have burst into flames."

"Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet."

"Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: ""If you can't behave we're going to have to leave here."" ""But I want to leave here."" Touche."

"What did the woodworm say to the chair ? It's been nice gnawing you !"

"I complained to my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said ""Don't be ridiculous! Everyone hasn't met you yet"""

"Beneath that furry exterior your cat has at least 6 neck tattoos."

"What's brown and furry on the outside, soft moist and tastes good on the inside, begins with ""C"" and ends with ""T"", and has a ""U"" and an ""N"" in it? A coconut."

"The Thing About Godzilla Sex... Is that you can see it coming a mile away."

"Can't you see I'm on an important phone call with a host from QVC?"

"I told my wife my secret to losing 50 pounds in 1 minute. I buy everyone a round at the pub."