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Joke of the Day

"Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?"

"It would be nice to have a second button beside the 'snooze' that emails your boss that you aren't coming in today."

"It's cute that kids think they're safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot."

"Don't be racist; be like Mario He's an Italian plumber, made by Asians, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, runs like a black man and grabs coins like a jew."

"A farmer just burst into tears because nobody likes eating his apples anymore... I told him to grow a pear."

"When your baby cries, don't feed it. That's just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it."

"I got married to an antenna... The wedding was ok, but the reception was awesome!"

"If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?"

"Q: Why is everyone tired of the king playing video poker on his porcelain throne? A: Cause they're sick of all his royal flushes."

"Girls who say bestie are the worstie."