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Joke of the Day

"How many Microsoft executives does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They just redefine 'darkness' as an industry standard."

"[Baby crying in a movie theater] Me: ""What's his name?"" Parent: ""Ethan."" Me: ""The movie's starting, Ethan."""

"Just sewed together 3 bras to put on my neighbor's dog to cover its horrifying tits."

"Muhammad walks up to the Buddha and says ""Guess what a mosque and 9 year old have in common."" I've been in both."

"What does a deaf woman say to a premature ejaculator? Come again?"

"Santa is always jolly, he knows where the naughty girls live."

"Why did the man who robbed the liquor store with a boomerang get caught? Because he couldn't throw away the evidence"

"I an expert on everything as long as I have google within reach and I don't like you enough to want to prove you wrong."

"Satan's greatest trick is convincing you he's not real but there's a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose"

"Why do ruler manufacturers make a big thing about them being shatterproof? Was there a ruler shattering epidemic that necessitated this?"