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Joke of the Day

"I can accomplish great things if I apply myself... At least that's what a high school guidance counselor with a shit job and a bottle of whiskey in his desk told me once."

"Clergy A priest and a rabbi are sitting in a bar. The priest asks, ""Want to screw some alter boys?"" And the rabbi responds, ""out of what?"""

"How does any girl have less than 90 thousand Instagram followers?"

"My local policeman does a tall on heroin. I don't know why, we can never understand a word he says."

"Why can't a schizophrenic kleptomaniac become President? He always takes office clothes."

"I just caught an alien maturbating in my freezer. He looked up at me and said, ""I cum in peas"""

"I swallowed some food coloring the other day. I'll be alright, but it feels like I dyed a little inside."

"Magician to a hot chick: I will do a magic trick on you. I will fuk you and then I will disappear."

"What is the difference between a baby and a alarm clock? You only have to hit the alarm clock once to make it be quiet..."

"[Amphibian Playground] BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog! TEACHER SNAKE: i'll handle this *eats everyone*"