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Joke of the Day

"[job interview] Says here you're good with nicknames? ""I don't wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man"" *under his breath* holy shit he's good"

"If someone tells you they made something with ""love"" DO NOT EAT IT! Cause that is just way too nasty."

"What's the difference between a clever child and a rude marathoner? One's a cunning runt..."

"Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit"

"I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me."

"Twitter mobile app is still showing stars not hearts so I'm going to stay on here like those violinists at the end of Titanic."

"Im not sexist... Because thats wrong and being wrong is for women"

"I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry"

"""so doc... am I dying?"" ""we're all dying, just at different speeds"" ""but what about me"" ""You're like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao"""

"If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes"