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Joke of the Day

"Me: Pack your bags.I won the lottery! G/F: Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff? Me: Doesn't matter, just get out."

"I guess you could say Luke Skywalker single-handedly defeated the empire. I told this joke to someone in a dream, and when I woke up I realized it was actually funny."

"Forrest Gump came out 20 years ago. Can you believe that?! Of course you can because you're not an idiot who doesn't know how time works."

"Did you hear about angle 57.29 He's rad"

"When I die I want to pass like my grandfather did, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like the other people in his car."

"How did the hipster burn his mouth? He sipped his coffee before it was cool."

"Atoms are liers... the makeup everything"

"Why is a duck when it's round? Because the farther it flies, the fewer."

"Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?"

"Yo mama so greasy she sweats Crisco!"