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Joke of the Day

"Kid: why is my cousin named Diamond? Mother: because your auntie really loves diamonds Kid: well what about my name? Mother: never mind about that Richard."

"I'd like to apologize for all of my terrible chemistry jokes. All of the good ones argon."

"My favorite Star Trek episode is that one where Captain Kirk saves the Klingons hundreds of dollars on hotel reservations."

"I told my dad I'm HIV Positive He replied ""Hi HIV positive, I'm dad!"""

"So I was going down on this girl. And I tasted horse semen, I looked up at her and said ""ahh Grandma that's how you died"""

"SiriusXM is broadcasting NASCAR because there's nothing more exciting than listening to people drive."

"Saw a billboard that said: Don't be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don't be distracted by driving and reading billboards."

"2 cats smoke catnip and lay around, discussing Plato's Allegory of the Cave. ""What if the laser pointer is just a projection?"""

"""And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate."" -me as a babysitter"

"Boy to Friend: I'm sorry I won't be able to go out after school. I promised Dad that I would stay in and help him with my homework."