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Joke of the Day

"Lunatic escapes from an asylum, goes to a launderette where he rapes three women before running off into the woods. Next morning's newspaper headlines read.... # **NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS**"

"When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and place a cherry on top of my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau..."

"My pants are also my iPhone grease wipes."

"It's Thanksgiving! Who doesn't like Turkey? Russia."

"Kissing 101: 1. Open your mouth 2. Wider, that's it. 3. Stick out your tongue 4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn't run away."

"I read somewhere that only 2/11 jokes are funny. Well, what I read was that 9/11 jokes are never funny, but I like to be positive."

"[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me. [Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead] [Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot."

"In Photoshop, is there any way to make it look like I'm not dead inside?"

"""Hey is BB hungry?"" ""No BB-8."""

"When I'm sick, I just remember my mother's sage advice: Feed a cold, starve a fever, and drown a soul-crushing depression in food and booze."