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Joke of the Day

"[at funeral] ""my phone is vibrating"" want me to create a distraction so you can answer it? ""no, are you craz- *points at casket* HE BLINKED"

"How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read."

"Who is the richest painter ever? Monet."

"What do you use to wipe off a table after breakfast? A ragamuffin. Knew it was a dadjoke as soon as I saw my 9 year old roll his eyes."

"Laughter is the best medicine. Depression is the best food. Happiness is the best animal. I don't know since we're clearly making stuff up."

"Shia muslims are not welcome in the City of Brotherly Love... Because it's always sunni in Philadelphia."

"What's better than getting second place at the special Olympics? Not being retarded"

"*wife looks through my phone *divorces me 8 times"

"I didn't think my doctor could fix my bowed legs. I stand corrected."

"I think it's weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC"