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Joke of the Day

"I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her."

"*pounding on her chest* DON'T DIE ON ME KAREN! *pounds harder* (sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT! CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong."

"I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises."

"I don't know what it is about my masseuse... But something about her just rubs me the wrong way."

"What did the seven dwarves say when Snow White finally woke up? Well, it looks like its back to jerking off."

"What did the sphinx say? What did the sphinx say when he found out the pharaoh caught him up in a pyramid scheme? Egypt me!"

"Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It's almost like someone made the whole thing up."

"I love people I can get weird with."

"Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex: I think I love you. Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window: Okay...."

"""You've changed."" ""I know, I'm a Transformer."""