73996

Joke of the Day

"I like my women how I like my wood... ...flat as a board and easy to nail."

"When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say... ""Are you ready to take this shit to a whole new level?!"""

"If I were British these tweets would be worth 1.61 times as much."

"You're not in a serious relationship until he leaves you in a room alone with his phone."

"Have you seen 'Wears My Penis? Ooops, typo. Have you seen where my pen is?"

"[At the ferret store] I'll take five of those furry slinkys"

"Whats the difference between Harambe and a African child? People give a shit about Harambe"

"Does anybody know the name of that Godzilla Movie? It's the one where another monster actually breaks one of Godzilla's legs. I can't remember the name of the movie, but it has a huge cast."

"When does CPR become Necrophlia? When tongue is involved."

"The accountant's prayer: Lord help me be more relaxed about insignificant details starting tomorrow at 10.53:16 am Eastern Daylight Saving Time."