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Joke of the Day
"Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors."
Next Joke
"[at aquarium] That's a lot of octopussys to have in a tank. ""Octopi"" Oh sorry...that's a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank."
"They told me to imagine a guy holding a jug full of water. But I just couldn't pitcher it."
"How many teachers does it take to change a lightbulb? Well I'm not just going to tell you. You need to figure it out yourself."
"I only date men who have cats because they've been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough."
"You know what's a load of crap? Anal sex"
"One night stand I felt so bad about my one night stand. I think I'll buy another one for the other side of the bed."
"[NSFW][REALLY NSFW] I hate pedophiles... They're fucking immature assholes"
"[buying cucumber and vaseline] me: got an awesome night planned clerk: eugh [later, eating a cucumber and vaseline sandwich] this is awful"
"Everything happens for a reason. But, sometimes the reason is that you're stupid and you make bad decisions."