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Joke of the Day

"""If you can't beat them, join them,"" I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast."

"I don't think Twitter's real. I think I'm in a mall in 1987 listening to ""I Think We're Alone Now"" & my mind invented Twitter to protect me."

"I'm not late, I'm just giving you extra time to do shit on your phone."

"Instead of my usual Monday snark I'm going to be upbeat and have a great day LOLJK today will ass rape my spirit animal with its angry fist."

"The 8 fell over and stayed there for infinity."

"Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself ""I can't believe I'm recording this"""

"Him: Are you perioding? Me: Are you deathwishing?"

"What did the black kid say to his mom when he had diarrhea? Help! I'm melting!"

"What's the worst part about seeing 4 black people go off a cliff in a Cadillac? Cadillac seats 5."

"Sometimes I'll order a pizza without any toppings... When I'm feeling saucy."