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Joke of the Day

"Is there a Twitter acronym for ""Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it""?"

"Why didn't Johnny go to the 7 A.M. funeral? Because he just isn't a mourning person."

"What do you call a nun that is going for a walk? A roamin catholic"

"I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like ""Pick up milk"" or ""Pay gas bill"" or ""Stop wasting your life away"""

"Feminine hygiene jokes are the worst form of humor Period."

"Folks call me a stillborn egg Cause' I'm never getting laid!"

"Snotty bitch in the elevator was looking down her nose at me. So I had to ask her, ""Lady, can I smell your pussy?"" Indignantly, she said, ""No, you may not!"" ""Oh, well, then it must be your feet!"""

"Pretty sure California's water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I've lazily kicked under the fridge."

"As I approach 50, my wife suggested I get myself one of those high performance penis enlargers... So I have. She's 25 and her name is Candy."

"I can't be what you want. I'm too busy being what I want."