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Joke of the Day

"1st day of hunting season: *puts on camo* *climbs up in tree stand* *waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*"

"A blind man walks into a bar... And a chair. And a table.."

"(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain't buying shit until i find you on yelp"

"I ran over someone and now there's a bunch of flowers where it happened. It's like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts"

"My friend wanted to give me a free puppy... I did not accept because their mother was a real bitch."

"One day I shall solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be alcohol."

"I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas."

"Cop: ""Any idea why I pulled you over?"" Me: ""you've got a fat guy fetish?"" Cop: ..."

"They say that the best airing time is 20:00... ...but I think 19:59 is the real prime time."

"I put the ""arse"" in ""arsenic"". I also put the ""arsenic"" in your ""morning coffee"". Revenge is best served with a donut."