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Joke of the Day

"Cats are just fuzzy houseplants that hate you."

"If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone."

"[3 guys corner me in an alley] 3G: Bet you're scared Me: *shows them my wife's credit card bills* 3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit"

"I bought a locket today and put my own picture in it. Guess now I really am.... Independent"

"I'm on a dinghy!"

"I met Mrs. Right today Too bad she's already married."

"Why did the monkey fall out of the tree Because he was dead."

"Why did the fisherman drill a hole in the ice? For the Halibut"

"What do you call someone with one arm and no legs? Names"

"Ahmed went to have a Falafel. He asked the guy making the sandwich not to put any pickles in it. The guy replies ""But we're fresh out of pickles! How about no tomatoes instead?"""