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Joke of the Day

"The black smoke coming from my toaster indicates a new pop tart has been selected!"

"me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping? flight attendant: no there's a fire in the cockpit me: oh thank god"

"My girlfriend is going to a rastafarian party and has asked me to do her hair. I'm dreading it."

"My friend tried to kill herself by taking 20 advil. I was very upset by this and I asked her ""Why take 20 advil when you can just take 2 aleve?"

"A man sees a blonde girl staring intently at a ice cube in her hand The man asks the girl why she's staring at the ice cube and she responds, ""I'm trying to figure out where it's leaking from."""

"Me:""If you ever give me another gift with 'some assembly required', you're dead to us."" 6:*writing thank you card* But, um.. Me: Write it!"

"What do you call a theft by a stumbling person? A lumberjack."

"What's the ugliest tree in the world? Yew"

"There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed."

"What are 3 words that men hate during sex? *""Honey*, I'm home!"""