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Joke of the Day

"me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping? flight attendant: no there's a fire in the cockpit me: oh thank god"

"If a bend in a shoreline creates a large ocean inlet, but no one is around to hear it, does it still make a sound? ... think about it."

"Why are pills white? Because they work"

"Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don't do nuthin dumb Me: That's a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English - hey, come back"

"In the beginning there was nothing... Then God said ""Let there be light!"" And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better. Edit: Credit to Ellen DeGeneris."

"What type of weather has the worst attitude? Darude - Sandstorm"

"whats the difference between an old dirty subway and a lobster with breast implants one is a crusty bus station the other is a busty crustacean"

"Things I haven't seen in a while: 1) the 2yo I'm babysitting today 2) a man 3) my waist-line 4) my imaginary goat, Bill 5) my sanity"

"My doctor says I have oppositional-defiant disorder. But he's wrong, so fuck him!"

"[Target intercom] ""Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We've told u for weeks this isn't a daycare."""