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Joke of the Day

"if i don't respond to your text, it's because i fell asleep finding a dumb picture of mos def to send u in lieu of typing ""most definitely"""

"What do you call a boat that won't float? Bloated."

"After Babe Ruth died, the world became ruthless."

"Let's talk about the elephant in the room. I apologize for bringing it in here last night. There was alcohol involved. Can we keep him?"

"My Fitbit was delivered today. It's still sitting in the mailbox because I don't want to walk all the way out there."

"My therapist says I need to overcome ""shame-based"" thinking but if it wasn't for shame I don't think I'd get a damn thing done around here."

"""And you don't want hairy hands, now do you? Oh! And googling 'it' will make you go blind..okay! Mommy loves you."" - Sis at her 9 year old."

"Actually, I'd rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I'm going in there, because HELLO PIE."

"I absolutely love Sarah Palin Oh wait nevermind, I actually meant Parah Salin."

"What did the pilot say to the Vietnamese mechanic underneath the plane? "" ""You are the Nguyen beneath my wings"""