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Joke of the Day

"They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach... Unless he's a vegan. Then you can get there through his vagina."

"If you want to go running with me, you'd better be prepared to walk a lot."

"Nerdy Fairy Tale ""Grandmother, what big ears you have!"" ""Since I can't see you, I can at least hear you Infrared Ridinghood..."""

"Why did the hipster break up with her boyfriend? He didn't have all the 7"" he kept talking about."

"*sits perfectly still for a 12-hour portrait painting* ""Delete it."""

"Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death."

"BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I'm gonna have you take a typing test. LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit"

"Saw this movie about Jewish people this afternoon.. It had a hollow cast."

"My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure... ..So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die"

"My friend said he was worried he had HIV. I said think about the positives."