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Joke of the Day

"Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death."

"snapchat conversations are hard because eventually you just run out of selfie poses so you end up taking pictures of the couch or something"

"The scariest thing about being a doctor is if you ever, even once, accidentally call it a ""cooter"" you're fired for life."

"Tried pushing her against the wall to kiss her like all you guys suggested. Put her head right through the drywall. Goddam cheap motels."

"You and I are just different. And by different I mean you're stupid."

"Today, I'm going to give it my some."

"I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey... ...but then I turned myself around."

"How do you know you're always about to have fun in the company of an octopus? Because it's always ten-to-cool time..."

"where is the best way to hide a nutella? i'm nutelling you"

"Two guys walk into a bar.. You'd think that second one would have ducked."