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Joke of the Day

"I put a Justin Bieber's song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don't have to listen to that shit."

"I'm gonna write a book about the Amish... its really a hit or Amish."

"I burned my Hawaiian pizza today... I guess i should have put the oven on aloha setting"

"Student: I'll never be good at geography. Geography teacher: Not with that latitude!"

"Every single time I go out drinking with unicorns, they use the old ""no pockets"" excuse to stick me with the bill."

"That awkward moment when you're trying to end a conversation and the other person won't stop talking."

"Whats the hardest thing about walking through a field of dead babies? My dick."

"Hey are you free this weekend? (Gazes into distance) (Wipes tear from cheek) (Bald Eagle screeches) ""I'm always free"""

"Waiter: Is Pepsi ok? Pepsi: I'm fine."

"What do you call a deaf dog? Whatever you want he still won't come."