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Joke of the Day

"[breaks into your house] [steals your shoes] [walks a mile in them] [judges you]"

"Vets aren't doctors: Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor? Vet: I treat horses but maybe I can help? Mom: My son broke his leg! Vet: Ok hang on. My rifle's in the truck."

"Everyone knows she can't get pregnant if she's on top. It's called gravity, stupid."

"Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes."

"If I had a nickel for every time I got distracted... I'm in the mood for some ice cream."

"For every 1 hour I spend with friends, I need 30 days to recover by myself."

"I was at the beach and the lifeguard blew his whistle at me. Dude, I'm 40. I'm not listening to a teenager in a bathing suit."

"I have finally figured out how to clone a human being! Needless to say, I am beside myself."

"If your Dad leaves, just act like you're installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad"

"What did one dairy cow say to another? Got milk?"