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Joke of the Day

"while out today at a restaurant... my waitress had a black eye. so when i ordered i made sure i talked verrrryyyy slowww obviously she wasnt a good listener."

"how i met you're grammar"

"[buying a wood chipper] ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in? SALESMAN: What? ME: What?"

"Do you know why Dead Baby jokes never get old? Because they die so young."

"Happy Mothers Day to all of the moms out there! Scared you didn't I?"

"Stop smiling so big in every photo of you. You can't be that happy all the time. Smile like a normal person who isn't a raging psychopath"

"FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth ME: Really? Which one? FRIEND: Katie ME: Wow, I didn't know your kid named his teeth"

"Why are black people so fast? Because all of the slow ones are in jail."

"In my next life, I'd like to come back as someone who has a life."

"Most women don't know where to look when they're eating a banana."