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Joke of the Day

"[dogs around campfire] *flashlight on face* and when I came back without the ball it was in his hand the whole time"

"A Atheist, a Vegan and a Marine An atheist, a vegan and a Marine walk into a bar. How do you know that one of them is a Marine? Don't worry he'll let you know"

"Whats the difference between a dead dog on the side of the road and a dead lawyer on the side of the road? There are skidmarks before the dog."

"I'm despondent. I'm chained to the phone charger. It's so fucking landline."

"Cop: What's the hurry? Me: Nothing officer - Just didn't want to slow you down. Cop: I was pulling you over. Me: Well I get that. Now."

"A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience"

"Drinking is a slow death ..It is okay. I am in no hurry."

"What did the constipated mathematician do? He worked his problems out with a pencil and paper."

"How does a Japanese person distinguish between a German and an extraterrestrial? He doesn't, they are both Aryans."

"Why are spiders like tops ? They are always spinning !"