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Joke of the Day

"Mechanics How can you tell a mechanic has just had sex? One of his fingers is clean...."

"My dad's take on 35 years of marriage. Me: ""Mom and Dad, how does it feel to have been married for 35 years?"" Dad: ""Well, it only seems like it's been 5 minutes..."" Mom: ""Awww!"" Dad: ""...Underwater."""

"Blonde and brunette are stuck in elevator... Blonde starts yelling HELP HELP Brunete: it is better if we yell together. Blonde: TOGETHER TOGETHER"

"Congratulations to Charlie Hedbo for selling 3 million issues this week. I guess cartoons featuring Mohammed can be quite prophetable."

"Did you hear about the origami master who lost his job? His office went paperless."

"My aunt is trying to convince me that I'm gonna have kids. I named my kittens lunchbox and cocaine Steve. No one is gonna let me have a kid."

"How do you get a musician off of your porch? You pay for the pizza."

"currently washing my balls in the sink while humming that one black eyed peas song because tonight *IS* gonna be a good night."

"How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate food before it was cool"

"Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they're still alive."