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Joke of the Day

"When someone yells ""Fire!"" at my house, I'll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep"

"Throw me to the wolves and they'll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk."

"""If all your friends jumped"" 'Yes' ""But if they"" 'Yes' ""But"" 'IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I'M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?"

"You know you are old when... You need a viagra first before having sex"

"I wish a girl would give me a chance so that I can finally disappoint someone besides my parents."

"My wife said she wished she never woke up this morning. Turns out we do have something in common."

"What do you call a phantom by a campfire? A toasty ghosty"

"This vegan I met said she knew me But I'd never seen herbivore"

"I've just read a book on how dramatically footballers wives lose their looks once their husbands retire.It's a real WAGS to witches story."

"Why was WWI so short? Because they were Russian... Why was WWII so long? They were Stalin..."