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Joke of the Day

"Sleeping guy on the bus has a laughably obvious boner. And now he's waking up. And now he's tweeting about it."

"Success is having no idea where the nearest Coinstar machine is."

"Q: What do a dildo and soy beans have in common? A: They are both substitute meats."

"Matthew McConaughey's acting secret is that he always just came"

"GF: ""You're cute when you're drunk"" Me: ""You're cute when I'm drunk too"""

"How many Germans does to take to screw in a light bulbs? NEIN, NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN"

"When you're in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think ""THEY'RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I'LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED"""

"Mah friend asked me if i wanna know the opposite of Han I said ""nah"""

"What did the aardvark say to Noah? What do you mean you only brought two ants!?"

"I won't forget what my Grandad said to me before he kicked the bucket. He said, ""Grandson... how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"""