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Joke of the Day

"From a shark's perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone."

"Just added Paul Walker on xbox, Shame he's always on the dashboard tho."

"Need an ark? I Noah guy."

"I asked the pizza place to write a joke in my pizza box. They delivered... the pizza with nothing written inside."

"Which stretches further, skin or rubber? Skin. It says in the bible, Moses tied his ass to a tree and walked 10 miles."

"Q: Why are conductors' hearts popular for transplants? A: They've had little use."

"I know what I'm getting for Christmas. Fat. I'm getting fat."

"[spelling bee] JUDGE: your word is 'contempt' ME: can you use it in a sentence? JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?"

"I don't drink any more. Or any less."

"Dear Abby, I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication."