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Joke of the Day
"What's blue and doesn't fit anymore? A dead epileptic."
Next Joke
"Mafia Boss: You wearin' a wire? Me: ""Wire"" you asking me that? lol get it [the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]"
"13 Types of Regret You'll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won't Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline"
"Female sprinters are so hot. I've been trying to bang one for years. But they always outrun me."
"5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots? Me: What? 5-year-old: A horse."
"Going to a baby shower and I'm real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?"
"I would love to give Rachel Riley a cream 3.14159265359"
"Woah!!! You're a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!"
"I skipped 9 puns and killed the last one... That's a pun in ten dead."
"If you have 99 problems... ...you're a math textbook."