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Joke of the Day

"""I deleted that tweet because I've really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it's just not up to my current standards"""

"[yelling over loud strip club music] DO YOU ACCEPT KOHLS KASH"

"What is green and smells like paint?!? Green paint."

"Why did the man with one butt cheek get fired? He did everything half-assed."

"ME: I hate owls [Owl turns his head 180] OWL: What? ME: Oh I didn't see you there OWL: Are you talking behind my back? ME: I'm...I'm not sure"

"Two shoes met and.. They had a converse-ation."

"As I get older, more and more of my Christmas wish list is just stuff I need from the grocery store."

"In Soviet Russia... Light turns you on..."

"I'll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck."

"Why are pedophiles so full of themselves? They only have sex with people who look up to them."