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Joke of the Day

"As I get older, more and more of my Christmas wish list is just stuff I need from the grocery store."

"The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?"

"Made this one up today: How do you stop joint pain? Turn it around."

"Not to brag but I'm never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation..."

"We're making self portrait masks in art class. I think I'll get an A+. I could just be getting ahead of myself."

"Forrest Gump came out 20 years ago. Can you believe that?! Of course you can because you're not an idiot who doesn't know how time works."

"Everyone's excited for the new Minecraft movie. It's sure to be a real blockbuster"

"Did you know humans are born with four kidneys? Two of them grow into adult knees."

"My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors."

"[my husband turning onto our street] ""know what I think?"" husband: you don't have to say it everytime. ""we've been down this road before"""