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Joke of the Day

"[Bookstore] Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book* Cashier: How old is your daughter? Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is"

"If you're seen one shopping centre... You've seen a mall."

"I want to tattoo ""platform 9 and 3/4"" over my ass 'cause you wouldn't think you'd get in there but you can Edit:words"

"Nigerian Billionaire Helps Rescue Failing Banks"

"Me: Most of all, remember to be kind to yourself. You deserve it. Neighbor: If you don't stay out of my heating duct I'm calling the cops."

"With Michael Phelps, Sarah Palin, and Glenn Beck here in Charlotte this week, my status as smartest guy in the room just rose exponentially."

"Come here you greedy wretch. I'll teach you to eat all your sister's birthday chocs. It's all right Dad I know how !"

"Did you hear the news about the failed plan to send ISIS a shipment of deactivated bomb vests? People are surprised it's blowing up."

"Going back to work in 10 mins. When I'm back, this better be front page, Reddit."

"He was like, 'We're all slowly dying' So I was like, 'WRONG' and I threw him in front of a moving bus."