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Joke of the Day

"[my cell phone rings] ME (a person who pays a monthly fee to allow this): Ugh why is this happening"

"How do you make Helen Keller cry? Turn the stool upside-down"

"If somebody's presence does not add value to your life..Then their absence should make no difference!"

"In the library: ""Excuse me, where are the books about paranoia?"" ""They are... right behind you."""

"If you think you could never kill another human being, you haven't met enough people."

"So, a squirrel walks into a bar- -k"

"I farted in church today..... I farted in church today and four people spun around in their seats and looked at me. I felt like I was on the Voice!"

"Q: How has Clinton made his cabinet look more like America? A: Many of them have sixth grade reading levels."

"People say drinking milk makes you stronger. I drunk 5 glasses of milk and tried to move a wall. It didn't work. Then, I drank 5 glasses of vodka and the wall moved alone!!"

"The battery level on my phone pretty much dictates my life."