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Joke of the Day

"If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with ""Portmanteau."""

"Imagine if your fridge did what you do to it everyday- Every half hour it goes to your room opens the door, and stares at you for 5 minutes then leaves."

"What do you call three crows? A crowd."

"Getting a retweet from someone with 0 followers is like being a beneficiary in a homeless person's will."

"How are a piano and a squirrel alike? They both aren't artichokes"

"I sincerely hope that when I get older my children don't put me in a home or on a stage at a political convention."

"Is there a hole in your shoe? No. Then how did you get your foot into it?"

"Why is there so little Puerto Rican literature? Because the spray paint can wasn't invented until 1949."

"A feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships? ""in HD"""

"I had morning wood. But my wife has morning wouldn't. So now I'm mourning wood."