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Joke of the Day

"You have to admit that if you saw Santa Claus actually coming down the chimney you'd freak the fuck out, presents or no presents."

"Someone just sat across from me at a table at Starbucks. They got too close to my food so I bit them."

"Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff."

"How do you get a hipster to take a shower? Give them a leaky showerhead. You know, so they can avoid the main stream."

"""You're beautiful. No, you're beautiful! No, No, you're Beautiful. No No No. You're beautiful."" -Girls on Facebook Profile Pictures"

"[1st Day after wildebeests take over] I'm safe in my house [Day 7] Thought I heard clattering [Day 21] THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES"

"So there was a kidnapping in one of the local schools Teacher woke him up though."

"I'm sorry your husband of 50 yrs is dead. Here is a casserole made with Campbells Soup. ~White people."

"I think my microwave's broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out"

"How do you make a dead baby float? 2 scoops vanilla, 1 scoop dead baby."