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Joke of the Day

"I hate it when people call me contrary. I am *not* contrary!"

"I'm one more weekend on the couch away from being a throw pillow."

"There's only one thing I hate more that white supremacy. Black people"

"Life plan: 1. Befriend shady people. 2. Witness a murder. 3. Enter witness protection & get new name. 4. So long student loans!"

"Why does Snoop Dog carry and umbrella? Fo-Drizzle"

"I made up a new word Plagiarism"

"I got fired today, because my boss caught me masturbating with a vegetable Apparently nursing homes have strict rules about what you can do with patients."

"My kids got in a fist fight while playing one of those claw machines at the pizza joint & shit like that is why I'm never sober."

"No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I'd go on a road trip with my mom."

"Waiter there's a fly in my custard ! I'll fetch him a spoon sir !"