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Joke of the Day

"I've got a new aardvark. Would you like to play with him? I don't really know. I've heard it growling it doesn't sound very friendly. Does it bite? That's what I want to find out."

"[identifying body] Cop: this him? Me: yea Cop: he's burnt pretty bad huh Me: yea Cop: ... Me: ... Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation"

"I hate it when I'm brushing my teeth and Kiefer Sutherland climbs out of the toilet just to ask me if he can bum a cigarette."

"My wife once told me that she ingested fecal matter while in the womb I like to give her crap about it."

"[Being murdered while eating a salad] Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don't let them find me like this"

"My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos."

"How is your first car like anal? You don't want it, but your dad gives it to you anyway."

"Bear Grylls is hunting his next meal He carefully makes his bow and arrow, finds rabbit prints and follows them. After 3 hours he finds the rabbit lines up his shot and missed... Just by a hare."

"What is the difference between a dog thermometer and a human thermometer? the taste"

"Me: Hi, what's a good school binder for my 10yo girl here? Clerk: Trapper Keeper? Me: Haha, no, she's my own daughter."